Tag: nursing

Current mood

We think we’re gaining health…when we lost the health a long time ago. Just had a chat with my friend in South Africa; around all things weird, currently. It does not matter if you’re here or there – our world is going through a transformation. Most of us blindly unaware however, to the madness. The Control. The power. The wealth transfer. The poverty. And yes, to the dying. The later, I’d say we were never good with – I speak from a person in the Modern Health system – but does not get labeled by it. I know that letters beside my name, mean shit. The place I work means shit. As in, one is neither better than the other. We are alluded into thinking; if I work for this company or that…then, well then, it’s going to get me somewhere or somehow I will be a better person. This is communal narcissism.

I fully recognize my place in the industry, as a Nurse, is one of practical purposes, momentarily, and truly why I joined forces many moons ago. Yet I was also deluded — I, as many do, went into Medicine not as a business but as a place where we tend and care to those suffering. Well, I’ve realized most of us were suffering. And then we became exploited. I’m not going to spread the gospel on our healthcare system. I’m presently in a position to not give a shit about what former friends, current friends, colleagues, think about our supposed heroic Western Medical Model. Or our supposed Science Heroes. If we truly cared we would not be in a state of Dis-ease. And Disease. Companies would not be pushing junk food down our throats. Drug companies would share vaccine “recipes” to the world. We would not all be on social media — high and mighty chanting from soap boxes. My friend in Cambodia would not be worrying about her community, currently, in fear of starving to death, because of Covid restrictions. My other dear friend, in her 60’s, in the States, wouldn’t have been in a cabin without proper plumbing, all winter long. There would have been water in Mississippi and Louisiana after a freak snow storm. More than a month out, humans, in the deep South were without Water!! Water people. 

We are more interested in sending People to Mars. This is fucked up. We are more interested in Pop stars. This is fucked up. We are more interested in fitting in and something so called normal. We are not normal. We are not healthy. The first thing my friend said was “do you see how unhealthy people have gotten over the last year and a half?” Yes. Yes. Because we haven’t been in a state of health — which I said at the beginning of this post. And now, we’ve been in fear. Our bodies are in shock. We have lost control. We haven’t been able to save lives. We have not been touched. We have not had ceremony – around life and death. We are zooming. Fidgeting. Putting guns to our heads – and others. Heads. We were addicted to violence, a long time ago, whether in action or speech. We are addicted to salt. Fat. sugar. Power. Belonging.

Yet, we do not know what it’s truly like to Belong. Most importantly to ourselves. Our first home. Our Body. Our Breath. Our Spirit. We do not know what it truly feels like to feel good here. Safe here. In love, here. This primal relationship to Self and truly feeling in our own Personal Power. With freedom to make our own choices. Sometimes we need to go it alone – in order to discover “The Health.” It’s a journey all right. I don’t know. I want to tell everyone to practice Yoga, take some shrooms, or have pleasurable, frightening experiences often. Or experiences outside our borders. But I don’t know. I don’t know. And it’s not my place to tell others what they :should: be doing. I am just here on this crazy planet with the rest of you – In deep honor and gratitude for all its quirks and quirkiness. In its dis-ease and Health. But first and foremost with Responsibility to Self.  If we do not tend compassionately to our Selves – well, everything we do and think is compulsory and disingenuous. 

Peace,

h

Notes from a Traveling Nurse

Last week, while on call, I cared for my first NICU babies.(in my Career) Honesty, when I arrived on the unit with my colleague,(Scrub Tech) as many babies are too sick to be transported to the OR, I thought I might lose it. Like faint — at first.  It was hotter than the NM desert in July compared to the arctic air of the OR rooms. After arriving back into my body — sometimes when I get anxious, I can leave it, I felt I would lose it again — as in tears. And then, as a Health care provider does so well, we shift from emotion to focus; tending to the now, to the baby and everyone caring for this tiny 3 day old human attached to nonhuman things. Things that drip and beep and breathe — yes, do the breathing via a tube, for a child less fortunate to wail and breathe big breaths of life after exiting her young mother’s womb, too soon. 

I have to be honest, I was overwhelmed by the size of the NICU here in this small city of Louisiana. 40 beds, to be precise and all but maybe 2, were occupied. It made me think about the dynamics of the community I currently reside in. Dynamics as in the demographics here — including education, wealth inequality, and crime. There are quite interesting familial patterns, I’ve come to learn about, through discussions with both Police Force and Health Care workers. Crime is very high — Domestic Violence being in the top 5(in the U.S.) here in Northern LA. Many kids have turned to the streets, and well, we know where this goes from here. Very young Mothers, being just one effect — a small outcome that turns into much larger and cyclical social outcomes. 

We are all well aware that violence in our society is at an all time high, though many prefer to avert their eyes, cast judgement whether to the left or to the right. I mean this year(2021 is just a continuum, my friends) has been like one big dodge ball game, shit spinning in a fan — have been my two analogies — where everyone is either extremely reactive or have their heads in their asses. The latter don’t want shit hitting them in the face…but in reality they don’t recognize, they too,  can be shitty human beings — yes, this goes for the Woke as F***, Yay Science and Trumpists fans too. It is a community, whether young or old, rich or poor, black or white, red or blue that holds us together. Unfortunately we’re like those little babies right now, on life support, attached to nonhuman things — waiting to be loved. Unified. Again. 

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate.

I wholeheartedly respect my colleagues in Medicine, Nursing, Science and otherwise — As do I Humanity and its Health. But to claim one who chooses not to be vaccinated(whether in the Health field or not) disrespectful and or an antagonist (un comrade like) is to gaslight and manipulate these humans. Humans whose stories, health history, experience one may not know. A body, so complex, diverse and interconnected to all that is in our environment. Diverse and interrelated to all that, which is within. 

I’m not here to campaign for or against.(refer to post on vaccine reflections) Nor am I here to provide Data, Science Articles, etc. We have enough(and maybe not enough, currently) of this. And trust me, one will find the data and the contrary data, always —  If one searches deep enough. We will also find the vice beneath the virtue. We all hold wickedness, something we’ve all forgotten. 

For me I hope to sustain my values of curiosity, listening, observing, the beauty of “all kinds” in my heart and in these spaces. I can truthfully say, “I don’t know” and be very okay with this stance. It’s a place that allows wiggle room, change of heart, different perspective, different science, slowing down. Waiting. It invites in Faith. It invites Mystery. It invites in Life and Death. I know there has been great suffering and loss this year. I did not bear witness to the scenes my friends and family can testify to, in cities such as New York, Chicago, Seattle, Miami, LA.  But the feelings/the energy is palpable and recognizable — worldwide.  

I do trust my choice(at this time) not to be vaccinated. I know that sometimes “doing good” can be more destructive. We only need to look at our yesterdays, to see this. Maybe applying our oxygen masks before assisting the other, is the choice for, The Vaccine and maybe it’s the choice, against. I will sit in neither virtue right now.

This is my message — I  understand the implications of the Pandemic/economic tragedy and perhaps more dismal days ahead. I don’t know exactly what this trajectory looks like, but I know it’s important we take care of ourselves. Self Care is not Selfish. Please reach out to loved ones. If you have a trusting relationship with a Doctor, or another Healer of sorts, it’d be a great time to connect and have a discussion, not only on the vaccine but your Whole Health. If you do not understand your medications you are taking, well, now is the time. If you do not fully understand your disease processes/comorbidities — now is the time. If your MD claims to be your gatekeeper and feels the need not to be transparent and informative/sensitive to your health and needs — the time is now, to get a new Doctor. The time is now — To know thyself. 

**And I know there are many that do not want to hear of Philosophy, Poetry and Faith right now. But this is what I bring to the table along with my love of Science.** 

Onward

Well, looks like Retirement — 🌊 1, is about to come to an end. I guess I never felt so strong about this word. Retirement. But this wasn’t the first and it won’t be the last. I will retire to many beach chairs, tables, beds, cities, ranches, countries, states. I will break bread with many people. This I know. It’s why I’m here. To break bread. To listen to stories; something that was quite a deficit in our family, as my Uncle and I just conversed about  yesterday. I also know, I’m  here to express and share those stories, both theirs and mine –This does not exclude the stories of the land/the sea where I may lay my head. It is as important or more so than the people. Think about that for a minute – Or day. To be in reverence with land, is to be a kinder — more humane human. Whether you’re a human that wants to be left alone or like ants marching (insert Dave Mathews) on colorful city streets, it’s quite the same. Just different music. 

Honestly I’d be quite content never donning my Operating Room bouffant again. AND, I know, I will be content in doing so. It will look different as I’ve mentioned. I look different now. Feel different now. Being the curious tot, as my friend in Scotland says, especially around Medicine — How it’s practiced, who’s participating, what does it mean to do what we do, for another, and does it matter Red State or Blue State, gives this career all the more intrigue. Meaning. 

This woman here, she’s also got some #goals, though I think I like the word dreams/visions better. Goals sound as rigid as retirement. So, with that said (insert the drums) I will begin my first, Travel Nurse assignment on the last day of this month. In LA. Not to be confused with L.A.  It is a place that called me first. Perhaps because I spent time there when I was a child and have very little memories, expect for certain smells. Isn’t that interesting? And something I’m sure many will understand. Some of you will say, “But you love NM,” and my answer is, She will be my anchor. ⚓ Ojo Caliente, is after all, the Crone Energy and She is included in my vision. 😉

Much love and of course more to come….💞

Ode to Medicine

Our hospitals aren’t built for “what will you do for me?  Us?  Same as politics –They’re stories from the same book  —  I remember smelling the hierarchy in the air within a week, and wanting to quit my job that first year.  “Holly, you can’t quit now, give it three years,” said a New York, New York BF of mine — if we could even call him that — I stayed nine years and seven years respectively, with said men. Both men. We cannot deny Medicine lies in bed with the Man, after all. 

A year and a bit ago, before packing my bags, I went on an interview with another NYC hospital.( to some this is repeated information) But what I did not tell you is, the women I sat across from in a windowless, cluttered, shoe box office with, told me to come back with “real questions.”  I was taken aback at the time. Today, I laugh. They weren’t ready for me. As most our structures aren’t ready for us — to rip the band-aids off. Tear the statues down. Humans who finally have the heart to ask, “what have you got?”  What will you do? How do you care? Tell me about your culture. Your values. Your leadership. No, they weren’t expecting me to pull an orange journal out of my bag filled with curiosity.  My values. Agency. 

Wahe Jio, I sit here on my front porch, in the middle of nothingness. With a life to be filled anew, with essentials, imagination, power(not one upMAN-ship) creativity. Relationship. Right relationship. With service — eyes reformed. There being no us and them, actually. 

Just Love Actually. That is the Medicine.