medicinewriter – Medicinal Conversations

The Health

It’s funny, for as long as I’ve been in medicine, the health to me is not the beep beep, buzz buzz, stick, poke, prod, cut, coagulate, stitch, staple, fix, chart, review, time-out, count 1-10 4×4’s. Not to burst a bubble or 20. But most anyone can learn to do the skills of the trade. Ohh I know, now many have a PhD beside their other letters – To me medicine is not about the schooling either. I mean, it is. (Don’t take it so literally 😷) Maybe I trust the mess more – the vulnerable, gutsy, big hearted, kind and tender, nerdy (yes) too, artsy, weird, human to human, hand to skin, funny people, that never think they know everything – nor are they above anyone.

To me the Health is in the Relationships – with our colleagues. (no matter the letters or lack of) There can be no lack actually – just an H a U an M an A an N. It is all hands on deck. It is respect for different ideas, thoughts and points of view. Health is in Recognizing – that sometimes others need more of our weight, our love, our skill, some days. This is not a fight – A competition. Sometimes the Health is Surrender. Surrender to greater powers that be. To things unfamiliar. Health is Connection – always. To our patients. To their eyes, their Spirit, fears, joy, grief, community, culture. It is one hell of a journey. Health is to Listen. A full body listen. It is trusting once again in our instincts. Because when all systems fail – what is left? Usually a story.

Notes from a Traveling Nurse

Last week, while on call, I cared for my first NICU babies.(in my Career) Honesty, when I arrived on the unit with my colleague,(Scrub Tech) as many babies are too sick to be transported to the OR, I thought I might lose it. Like faint — at first. It was hotter than the NM desert in July compared to the arctic air of the OR rooms. After arriving back into my body — sometimes when I get anxious, I can leave it, I felt I would lose it again — as in tears. And then, as a Health care provider does so well, we shift from emotion to focus; tending to the now, to the baby and everyone caring for this tiny 3 day old human attached to nonhuman things. Things that drip and beep and breathe — yes, do the breathing via a tube, for a child less fortunate to wail and breathe big breaths of life after exiting her young mother’s womb, too soon.

I have to be honest, I was overwhelmed by the size of the NICU here in this small city of Louisiana. 40 beds, to be precise and all but maybe 2, were occupied. It made me think about the dynamics of the community I currently reside in. Dynamics as in the demographics here — including education, wealth inequality, and crime. There are quite interesting familial patterns, I’ve come to learn about, through discussions with both Police Force and Health Care workers. Crime is very high — Domestic Violence being in the top 5(in the U.S.) here in Northern LA. Many kids have turned to the streets, and well, we know where this goes from here. Very young Mothers, being just one effect — a small outcome that turns into much larger and cyclical social outcomes.

We are all well aware that violence in our society is at an all time high, though many prefer to avert their eyes, cast judgement whether to the left or to the right. I mean this year(2021 is just a continuum, my friends) has been like one big dodge ball game, shit spinning in a fan — have been my two analogies — where everyone is either extremely reactive or have their heads in their asses. The latter don’t want shit hitting them in the face…but in reality they don’t recognize, they too, can be shitty human beings — yes, this goes for the Woke as F***, Yay Science and Trumpists fans too. It is a community, whether young or old, rich or poor, black or white, red or blue that holds us together. Unfortunately we’re like those little babies right now, on life support, attached to nonhuman things — waiting to be loved. Unified. Again.

A 2021 post (written 1/2/2021)

I’ve had a reunion, in this Pandemic, with all that really is. Or maybe that which really matters, to me — And I believe the Health of our planet depends on it.

It is relationship that prioritizes dusty roads, muddy rivers, animals and clouds too. It is the rocks and things. Bathing my dinner in sunlight before setting it atop a fire. It is deepened relationship to a small pod of Women… my Uncle too 😉 Via What’s app voice clips we shared our concerns, curiosity and insights. We listened. We learned. We beautifully tended to each other — from a distance, yes. Yet, somehow I feel more enriched than ever. I think they do too.

My wish is we all recognize we are all allies in creating a New World. It’s going to take listening 🎧, self healing, rebuilding. It’s going to take many minds and well intentioned hearts amongst unique and complex peoples. It will take seeing that uniqueness is what’s beautiful — and complexity too. It is going to take throwing your Gurus into the flames. Whether teacher, politician or fashionista.

This New World is going to ask who you really are and what are you here to do? It will ask you for courage, honesty, sovereignty. The new day will no where near, be comfortable — but you’ve made it through 2020. Right now, I’d say expect the unexpected.

much ease and beauty,
h.

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate.

I wholeheartedly respect my colleagues in Medicine, Nursing, Science and otherwise — As do I Humanity and its Health. But to claim one who chooses not to be vaccinated(whether in the Health field or not) disrespectful and or an antagonist (un comrade like) is to gaslight and manipulate these humans. Humans whose stories, health history, experience one may not know. A body, so complex, diverse and interconnected to all that is in our environment. Diverse and interrelated to all that, which is within.

I’m not here to campaign for or against.(refer to post on vaccine reflections) Nor am I here to provide Data, Science Articles, etc. We have enough(and maybe not enough, currently) of this. And trust me, one will find the data and the contrary data, always — If one searches deep enough. We will also find the vice beneath the virtue. We all hold wickedness, something we’ve all forgotten.

For me I hope to sustain my values of curiosity, listening, observing, the beauty of “all kinds” in my heart and in these spaces. I can truthfully say, “I don’t know” and be very okay with this stance. It’s a place that allows wiggle room, change of heart, different perspective, different science, slowing down. Waiting. It invites in Faith. It invites Mystery. It invites in Life and Death. I know there has been great suffering and loss this year. I did not bear witness to the scenes my friends and family can testify to, in cities such as New York, Chicago, Seattle, Miami, LA. But the feelings/the energy is palpable and recognizable — worldwide.

I do trust my choice(at this time) not to be vaccinated. I know that sometimes “doing good” can be more destructive. We only need to look at our yesterdays, to see this. Maybe applying our oxygen masks before assisting the other, is the choice for, The Vaccine and maybe it’s the choice, against. I will sit in neither virtue right now.

This is my message — I understand the implications of the Pandemic/economic tragedy and perhaps more dismal days ahead. I don’t know exactly what this trajectory looks like, but I know it’s important we take care of ourselves. Self Care is not Selfish. Please reach out to loved ones. If you have a trusting relationship with a Doctor, or another Healer of sorts, it’d be a great time to connect and have a discussion, not only on the vaccine but your Whole Health. If you do not understand your medications you are taking, well, now is the time. If you do not fully understand your disease processes/comorbidities — now is the time. If your MD claims to be your gatekeeper and feels the need not to be transparent and informative/sensitive to your health and needs — the time is now, to get a new Doctor. The time is now — To know thyself.

**And I know there are many that do not want to hear of Philosophy, Poetry and Faith right now. But this is what I bring to the table along with my love of Science.**

Memos of a Current Travel Nurse -Louisiana-

I arrived in LA with this feeling of going backward. Then I thought: One person’s backward is another person’s forward. And maybe there really is no backward, only a continuum. Backward was something created by those on the upper rungs. Those from the moment the watch was invented, setting the timelines for us from Birth to Death.(though Death was never discussed) Many that are drinking the kool-aide, are yet to see the costs. Rather, we bought into the dream, like wide eyed kids playing with Barbie and Ken; bodies pale — until 1980. Shaped like no man or woman, in reality is — until one could buy the plastic with the dream. For most, climbing the rungs was and is the drive to live; Bandaids and Barbie Doll Houses, covering over, the holes in our hearts.

Almost a year into a Pandemic, we’re witnessing what is beneath the bandages. I have experienced images this year of not recovery, but surgery. Bandaids are no longer working — it’s a heart transplant that is underway. And transplants take time, steadiness and a team of beating hearts. One must be comfortable with a little mess and know when to take the right next steps. Maybe with our new hearts we’ll realize there is so much Love to go around. Perhaps in our next Global crisis we will recognize the importance of community, for Richer or Poorer. Black or White. Red or Blue. Looking at blood we know not what belongs to who.

With our new hearts in recovery may we renew our relationship with Mother Nature — knowing our health depends on it. Lastly, as we exit the hospital may we feel a sense of aliveness, compassion, and humility and offer these qualities to all those on our path…whether straight, curvy, backward, forward or on the continuum.

May we dare to dream our own dreams – Be well,

ONWard — A Travel Nurse(who doesn’t like labels) in the U.S. of A.

Welp, my journey has begun, and part of me wants to turn around and go back to the Mountains. 5 hours on the road today — Got pulled over for going 95 in a 75 about 2.5 hours in.(still in NM) I was so enveloped in a podcast, “This Jungian Life,” with three analysts, discussing dreams followed by the topic, America’s “Wall.” Or is it Trump’s Wall? Oh and I only got a warning. On that speeding thing. Was this White Privilege or a Nurse/Cop thing?? I’m going to answer, “Both.” You’re free to chime in. Also, I really should write in, to this podcast, about some of the dreams I’ve been having…if you haven’t heard.

Speaking of Trump, I’m in Texas now — and apparently the slogan still goes, “Don’t mess with Texas.” Yikes! I will not and I kinda want to — mess with Texas. Though it got dark and I cannot drive so hot after the sun goes down. Anyone else have this problem?? So I went to the supermarket, settled for beer and got the fuck out of there. I just couldn’t. And I don’t really drink beer anymore. The market was like DisneyLand and one of the biggest stores I’ve been in. EVER. Okay, maybe I’m being dramatic. A bit. But there are no bits here in Amarillo.

Masks worn inside = 70%. Worn properly = 50%.

Now remember, I’m coming from Ojo Caliente, a population of not even 600 people. Not thousand. Not million. People — Just People. (These past 7 months) Oh, Ojo. I have to remind myself that this journey is not to compare. It is to BE. In witness. In curiosity. To ask, “what does it mean to be you?” Oh and also, to make a paycheck and have thirty five days off in between Nurse contracts, if I so desire. Desire — Cannot forget desire.

Ok, I’ll have a beer along with my Chipotle and chill in my airbnb,(joking, already sipping #2. Travel expenses get reimbursed, btw, so I picked a good one. Who am I kidding, I would pick a good one either way, as the interior/environment is a value of mine. There are lots of plants here and super cool chairs.(I’m into chairs) I’ll wear my already 20 yr old birkenstocks into the ground before compromising on the “home.” What about you? Shoes or chairs?

Pilgrimage

It’s so strange really, the insult, threat and even surprise we feel, when someone prays different, loves different, talks different, looks different — Chooses, different. The intolerance we hold in our hearts, when God speaks 6,500 languages. She probably doesn’t give a shit if we pray or don’t pray, as many that pray, only pretend. *Transaction* The word that comes to mind.

Those that truly pray, are intimately woven with *Reverence* The word that comes to heart. Smiling eyes of a stranger. Counting ten baby toes on a first born — Oh, the holiness of toes. It’s a kneel in the dirt. Fists sometimes pounding a pillow, for all that has seemed and seems unfair. It is screaming for something or someone lost. By the millions. It is to meet a new lover, a new friend and whisper, “I care.” It is to hold a sign that says, ”Enough is Enough.” It is remembering old friends and all they taught us. Showed us — and to let them know, they are part of the threads, back to our own Holiness.

Prayer is to know that all is Holy, all the time. And really, that there is no time — only the time that is passing before we too, become the dirt, we once kneeled in. The mountain we once climbed. The petals on a flower that we picked, asking, “Does he love me? Love me not.” Knowing the answer isn’t part of the prayer. That’s just it. Prayer is a humble surrender to the uncertain. The dark shadows in a forest, on a sunny day. It is not being over or under someone. It is my ten toes and your ten toes, if we’re lucky enough to have our feet, not blown off by war. On a Pilgrimage – Together – Sharing Beauty.

Onward Part II

Sometimes I think, how did I do It? Live in “isolation” i.e. in a rural land, 50 minutes away from a Whole Foods,(GASP) these past 6 months. But really, my soul needed it. My body. My heart. My brain..needed it. Sometimes we don’t know what our Selves need for nourishment because we’ve been so busy — Building, competing, looking down, purchasing, fighting, comparing, fixing, over serving, and yes, for many, just trying to survive — That we haven’t been open to life’s other invitations. They arrive in whispers, most of the time.

I have come to understand more and regard, not just my Valdez roots/DNA here, but feel into all those, whose land, this first belonged to. Or shall I say, that which was beheld and honored by, taken care of, and lived by. It was a way; a way in which we have lost. I have had my breath taken away on more than one occasion as I’ve driven the open roads, climbed mountains and gazed into infinite desert space/color. Colors that brought me to tears. Light that wiped them away. I will miss the sage brush rolling in the winds, talking to the Ravens and all those other birds that made their way inside my home. Haha. Animals come to know us…you know?!?

I will miss the classic cars, mostly the trucks. The lift of a couple fingers off the wheel or a nod of a cowboy’s hat, to say “hello.” I see you. How do you do? I will miss the warmth of people here — at the gas station, the DMV,(yup!) the Co-op,Taco line, and in the Starbucks drive thru; especially the later. I have so enjoyed our brief and sweet life conversations. I will miss random hikers and will never forget being given an apple and a bar from a woman on her way back down the mountain and to the young man in the air force, I had the honor of climbing the last bit up with. I will miss the Post Office woman and no lines. Hah! I will miss the music, sometimes on a Friday evening, of one of my neighbors — Some country. Other times, Mexican Blues.

With that said, I feel there will be no shortage of music in Louisiana.

Be well.

Onward

Well, looks like Retirement — 🌊 1, is about to come to an end. I guess I never felt so strong about this word. Retirement. But this wasn’t the first and it won’t be the last. I will retire to many beach chairs, tables, beds, cities, ranches, countries, states. I will break bread with many people. This I know. It’s why I’m here. To break bread. To listen to stories; something that was quite a deficit in our family, as my Uncle and I just conversed about yesterday. I also know, I’m here to express and share those stories, both theirs and mine –This does not exclude the stories of the land/the sea where I may lay my head. It is as important or more so than the people. Think about that for a minute – Or day. To be in reverence with land, is to be a kinder — more humane human. Whether you’re a human that wants to be left alone or like ants marching (insert Dave Mathews) on colorful city streets, it’s quite the same. Just different music.

Honestly I’d be quite content never donning my Operating Room bouffant again. AND, I know, I will be content in doing so. It will look different as I’ve mentioned. I look different now. Feel different now. Being the curious tot, as my friend in Scotland says, especially around Medicine — How it’s practiced, who’s participating, what does it mean to do what we do, for another, and does it matter Red State or Blue State, gives this career all the more intrigue. Meaning.

This woman here, she’s also got some #goals, though I think I like the word dreams/visions better. Goals sound as rigid as retirement. So, with that said (insert the drums) I will begin my first, Travel Nurse assignment on the last day of this month. In LA. Not to be confused with L.A. It is a place that called me first. Perhaps because I spent time there when I was a child and have very little memories, expect for certain smells. Isn’t that interesting? And something I’m sure many will understand. Some of you will say, “But you love NM,” and my answer is, She will be my anchor. ⚓ Ojo Caliente, is after all, the Crone Energy and She is included in my vision. 😉

Much love and of course more to come….💞

#44

Tis the day. I was born. But being born is something I’m used to…again and again. And with birth there is death; also quite familiar with death. I was never baptized. Kinda consider myself lucky — As I have gotten to choose who and what does the baptizing in my many new beginnings. Transitions. I never belonged to the church; also pretty lucky. Those that carry on confessing to a white man, well, I was on to that BS before you could say hallelujah. Anyway what a digression, I wanted to speak on what I’ve learned, mostly between 43 and 44.

I’ve learned that things aren’t as scary as we make them out to be in our head. And now, yes, things are actually kinda scary and it’s not in our heads. It’s not a conspiracy. It’s truly a shake down and break down(personally and collectively) I have learned more love for humans across the aisle and continents. I looked into the eyes of many strangers on my travels and witnessed myself — Love returned. A belonging. I learned that I can do it!! I never set out to prove that — but it sure feels good to climb mountains both literally and not. Btw, I went down a mountain the other day with a man — came up solo. A woman and a Mountain; oh there’s so much more to this. I cannot explain the profound exhilaration at its peak, tears and laughter at once. I imagine it’s the collective feelings of a woman’s soul. Giving birth to something — another Being, her voice, her business, art // HERSELF.

This year, for me, I’ve learned blood is not thicker than water. I’ve learned that not only Spirit has me/holds me/carries me, but my chosen family as well. As I write this it’s like cupid has a thousand arrows in me. I have been love struck by so many beautiful humans — on my many trips around the sun. But this year, now in the arc of our planet’s awakening, I am, to the moon, grateful for the container(a small set) of women on my stage. I am thankful for the deep inquiry, the conversation — the reciprocity. The healing. The “how do we charter these waters?” Together.

“Tits up” (who knows where this comes from?) Oh and…..Life is Fucking short!

Holly