Tag: Humanity

On 2019-2020

Leaving NYC last year, at this time..now, feels like a thousand lifetimes ago. Currently it’s like I’m waiting for the man behind the Green Curtain, in OZ, to show his face. The face we are all holding our breath to see — As it is, so many faces.  

I left, not to find some — Thing, but as if it was the next, one foot in front of the other. With the help of the wind, behind my back, friends I am forever grateful for, and an emptied retirement account(I wasn’t going to leave my moola in the hospital’s hands) I set sail; by air.  So I guess it’s kinda like I retired. haha/ And it’s time to get back to work….differently of course. 

I think I was kinda bored in the city; the same day in and day out. Not that there’s anything wrong with routine/structure. It’s quite helpful. And comfortable. Yet running the same patterns and drill, ie working hard for the money and then seeing it all disappear, in one clean swoop; something wasn’t adding up. And did my salary buy me beautiful and tasty things too…indeed.  But that salary couldn’t buy the feeling of a futbol game on a dirt road, in Egypt, with a few young barefoot boys/young girls on the sidelines — rooting and cheering for the team with the woman(from New York) to win. Priceless. These tiny humans are the  heroes of my 2020.  

From Europe to Southeast Asia. From SE Asia to Northeast Africa and back to Europe again. The end of 2020 a vastly different view than the end of 2019 — For everyone. Trust me I have wanted to skip right back out of America or sail out to sea with some handsome man (in my fantasy) as I’ve been feeling an extreme of emotions. None of what I have to say is probably too helpful in these times; times of unrest, the lifting of the curtain, the new order — or shall I say, the new weird. A weird that is going to get all the more so.

And to those that are finding these days all too inconvenient, disturbing your peace/comfort, ruffling your feathers — well, this is the OZ we’re in. This is the dismantling. The rebirth. The hurt and pain..in our face. This is Justice. This is the people — those that have been on the sidelines for far too long. This is love. This is change.

No Title

A year ago today I boarded a plane to Rome. Ohhh Rome, bless Rome. Bless Italy. Bless New York, New York. Bless this Earth. You are dear. I don’t know about you, but I’m Romanced by this life….to go by foot. By boat. Air. To travel is to have one’s own wings. ⁣
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With my romance comes sadness and anger and the most awe too. I’m scared sometimes, more so for humanity than our environment. We, after all, are the Beasts in the Beauty. She will stay and make new life — in one way, shape or form. A woman always does. Birth something new, from destruction. ⁣
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We however, get one go. Or so I think so. On this magic carpet ride — with her majesty. Yet we have not realized we do not own her, have authority over her, or reside under her. Her air, water and dirt — At least not, until we’re dead. Are you dead yet? Some of us act like it. Remember, nor or you King.⁣
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I heard recently, “Can we have social justice without environmental justice?” I’d say no. I’d also add the word Health. If she is unhealthy — So will we be. Unhealthy. If we do not know what love is, truly, for this beautiful and glorious blue dot, we will not know Beauty in another. Nor ourselves. Period.⁣
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🌹Do You Realize, by the Flaming Lips is now in my head. Let’s go listen.
And as I read this over a 🐦 flew in the house. Hahaha. And back out.

Knowledge

My best knowledge has come from being in the world. From my patients the past twenty years. From community, villages, cities other than the one I was born. Beyond the walls of North America and within. However, mostly from “outsiders.”

I’ve been educated by children. Yes, children. Ironically, I feel the West needs to grow up. I’ve been nourished by different colors, points of view; families full and rich with love. Ritual. My schooling came beyond states of emergency and from facing my own fears. Lessons mostly arrived from Mother Nature. I’ve learned from others’ dream, sorrows, and overwhelming generosity. Dancing, celebrating, eating together regardless of our complexities. And just because — We are Human. Humans with tremendous capacity for intimacy, respect and joy.

Yes, books are beautiful and bountiful and just plain orgasmic, sometimes. But not a thing has made me more FULL and knowing than direct communion with that, that I AM. And sometimes that is an old gas station for yours and my, viewing pleasure.

Loss and Light

I wept for all the loss tonight. 

And all those hearts, 

Thirsty, to make sense of it all.

It started to rain then, cool drops

Falling, on warm desert sand.  

One seemingly dark cloud,

Hugging, my mud brick shelter.

I beheld the sun’s descent

Surrendering, to the mouth 

Of mountains, like paintings.

A bird with grey wings,

Perched on a juniper;

In her company,

We witnessed an ascent of angels. 

I will be intimate tonight, 

With both loss and light.  

Are We Human Or Are We Heroes?

The collaboration and solidarity I and we have been observing in these times, is a powerful testament to the impact Medicine and our Health Care system has on our communities and individuals. I do however question many responses, mainly from a humanistic perspective. I am curious about this very virus and what will soon be revealed, or not. More recently, I’m perplexed with the “hero” archetype. My concern with heroes, especially in medicine is, “Who are we when we don’t save the day?” Save a life.  Make a mistake. Die on the line or for that matter, commit suicide.  And the latter is not a new scenario as, “Doctors are far more likely than the general population to die by suicide.”  (NPR.org 2018)

Pursuing the art of medicine to be another’s hero never sat well with me. Have I been a participant in the betterment of one’s illness, acute or chronic?  Yes. A guide, so to speak, that has used her knowledge and skills to the best of her abilities, or so I can only hope?  Yes. Have I educated, hung treatments, lead codes, witnessed miracles such as birth and passages of death?  Yes. Have I felt a surge of energy and enthusiasm around a crisis?  Yes. Have I felt proud? Yes. More potently however, I have been humbled. Humbled by the bravery of my patients and their loved ones. To go to a hospital in need of help is a bold and vulnerable act. Likewise, to be in service to those in need requires courage and vulnerability. This relationship involves a great deal of trust.  And on occasion, the recipient of our best care doesn’t make it to see another day.  

I have been both witness to and in the patient role in my days.  I request no one be my Hero, only to use their scientific minds wisely and with flexibility. To listen. To hear and see not only with their heads.  To apply the principles of Hippocrates and to perhaps reflect on a new Health Care Ethos.  A humane ethos that has not only patient’s wellness at heart but providers as well.  A slowing down versus powering through.  A dismantling of Saintly Doctors and one of the most recent(disturbing) narratives, “Murderous” Nurses.  I end with the question.  Are we  Human or are we Heroes?  Perhaps we tend to our own personal Hero’s journey, as we unknot our capes and sit at the bedside; taking a glimpse at the insurmountable beauty and mystery before us. Another Human. Another You. 

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Nurses Week

What are my thoughts on this Nurses Week, 8 months after retiring(for now) my mask and OR Bouffant? Welp, I will first say how sad, exhausted, and yet exhilarated I felt, leaving the so called “prestigious” institution I worked with(in hindsight, FOR) for eight years of my journey. I kissed the OR floor on my last day//The amount of humility and grace I experienced in service (side note: I was never a hero and in my humble and honest reflection around heroism– something doesn’t fundamentally sit right about an aim to be another’s hero) to the brave/vulnerable souls that entered our hospital doors in need of medicine, of care and compassion, need of surgery, of recovery, of trust, to have their voices heard; unfortunately the later being Co-Opted with our diverted attention, the fast, faster faster and more, more more movement of Health Care. And what we are witnessing currently among all the bravado and accolades, is not only the stifling of patient voices(as many are too fearful to show up in the hospital now) but those voices of our very own Health Care providers. Yes, it is true, our humans of medicine, especially nurses; speaking up against injustices has its price. (And this is not new)

My second thought around this week is the gut feeling there is so much PTSD about to surface and many inside the sterile walls perhaps already displaying symptoms without realizing it. Our hospital systems, for the most part, are not and have not been designed to be in service to those in the arena of Care, ie counseling, education, mental health and grievance support and as we presently bare witness to–Protection and Safety. Providers, like patients have become another number/another body. And after tagging and bagging those so called bodies, it’s “Back to work.” Even if you’ve just been to you very own family funeral. With so much more to say, I end this piece with my expression of love for all the Medicine Women and Medicine Men I am fortunate to know. Those that show up to work not looking for freebies and thank you’s as much as they are looking to be recognized as HUMAN.

Earth Day

What if for a moment we untether together? See what happens. What arises from this shaky earth? Ashes to ashes. Will we all fall down? Either way it’s okay to stand; okay to fall. If we fall may we lie there for a moment and listen, ear pressed to a floor of dust. 

If we stand, may we bow. Bow to the mystery of life and death itself. Bow to our body, the body of another. To the terror of beauty, of pleasure. Terror of our own pain; aloneness, love. Terror of LOVE.  Bow to our own tethered mouths and untethered souls. Tethered hands that long to touch again. And again. May we now comb the earth with our fingers. Plant. Seeds that sow anything but back to normal.