consciousness – Medicinal Conversations

Notes from a Traveling Nurse

Last week, while on call, I cared for my first NICU babies.(in my Career) Honesty, when I arrived on the unit with my colleague,(Scrub Tech) as many babies are too sick to be transported to the OR, I thought I might lose it. Like faint — at first. It was hotter than the NM desert in July compared to the arctic air of the OR rooms. After arriving back into my body — sometimes when I get anxious, I can leave it, I felt I would lose it again — as in tears. And then, as a Health care provider does so well, we shift from emotion to focus; tending to the now, to the baby and everyone caring for this tiny 3 day old human attached to nonhuman things. Things that drip and beep and breathe — yes, do the breathing via a tube, for a child less fortunate to wail and breathe big breaths of life after exiting her young mother’s womb, too soon.

I have to be honest, I was overwhelmed by the size of the NICU here in this small city of Louisiana. 40 beds, to be precise and all but maybe 2, were occupied. It made me think about the dynamics of the community I currently reside in. Dynamics as in the demographics here — including education, wealth inequality, and crime. There are quite interesting familial patterns, I’ve come to learn about, through discussions with both Police Force and Health Care workers. Crime is very high — Domestic Violence being in the top 5(in the U.S.) here in Northern LA. Many kids have turned to the streets, and well, we know where this goes from here. Very young Mothers, being just one effect — a small outcome that turns into much larger and cyclical social outcomes.

We are all well aware that violence in our society is at an all time high, though many prefer to avert their eyes, cast judgement whether to the left or to the right. I mean this year(2021 is just a continuum, my friends) has been like one big dodge ball game, shit spinning in a fan — have been my two analogies — where everyone is either extremely reactive or have their heads in their asses. The latter don’t want shit hitting them in the face…but in reality they don’t recognize, they too, can be shitty human beings — yes, this goes for the Woke as F***, Yay Science and Trumpists fans too. It is a community, whether young or old, rich or poor, black or white, red or blue that holds us together. Unfortunately we’re like those little babies right now, on life support, attached to nonhuman things — waiting to be loved. Unified. Again.

A 2021 post (written 1/2/2021)

I’ve had a reunion, in this Pandemic, with all that really is. Or maybe that which really matters, to me — And I believe the Health of our planet depends on it.

It is relationship that prioritizes dusty roads, muddy rivers, animals and clouds too. It is the rocks and things. Bathing my dinner in sunlight before setting it atop a fire. It is deepened relationship to a small pod of Women… my Uncle too 😉 Via What’s app voice clips we shared our concerns, curiosity and insights. We listened. We learned. We beautifully tended to each other — from a distance, yes. Yet, somehow I feel more enriched than ever. I think they do too.

My wish is we all recognize we are all allies in creating a New World. It’s going to take listening 🎧, self healing, rebuilding. It’s going to take many minds and well intentioned hearts amongst unique and complex peoples. It will take seeing that uniqueness is what’s beautiful — and complexity too. It is going to take throwing your Gurus into the flames. Whether teacher, politician or fashionista.

This New World is going to ask who you really are and what are you here to do? It will ask you for courage, honesty, sovereignty. The new day will no where near, be comfortable — but you’ve made it through 2020. Right now, I’d say expect the unexpected.

much ease and beauty,
h.

Letter to our youth

Please keep your head high while your heart is low. Your spirit — stirring, broken. I understand what it’s like to mend pieces back together again.To make something Whole. I know it has been hard to see what you’re seeing. Hearing — Feeling. The hate. Grief, anger, confusion, violence, fear, death — outside. I can imagine what is going on… inside.

You my dears are the Golden Thread. It may not feel this way, but there is a reason for your Being. Here. Now. I don’t want to tell you these moments will make you stronger. Maybe not at first — The World needs a new perception of strength. As you sew this New Earth — with your Love. Vision. Action. Kindness. As we unthread. Because, what we created is losing Life — Breath.

You are here to ask the questions. How did we get to where we are? Why? And what do I imagine? It will not be easy, but you were made for this, even in all your broken houses — the talking heads. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you are about to Become. Transform. YOU ARE The MEDICINE. It will take time. Rest when you need to. Take a day off school.(yes, homeschool) Take care of your Self. And please, see the beauty still. Tell the world your truth — call out that which doesn’t sit, right and left. Continue to un-label this life. This or that. Invite everyone to take a seat at your table.

Walk with your head high even when your heart is low.

Loss and Light

I wept for all the loss tonight.

And all those hearts,

Thirsty, to make sense of it all.

It started to rain then, cool drops

Falling, on warm desert sand.

One seemingly dark cloud,

Hugging, my mud brick shelter.

I beheld the sun’s descent

Surrendering, to the mouth

Of mountains, like paintings.

A bird with grey wings,

Perched on a juniper;

In her company,

We witnessed an ascent of angels.

I will be intimate tonight,

With both loss and light.

Are We Really at War?

With much respect for those on the health care lines, always, including the patients, I bow to you. I also want to take a moment and express my concern around the “war” language blooming in these deeply strange and ambivalent times. To go to “war” on something that “doesn’t want to fight with you,” is a narrative, after deep thought, that I’d like to see retire. – The Saving lives as a Battle – The War on Drugs – The War on Poverty- When we use terminology such as battle, fight, kill what are we communicating to the layperson? To the sick? To the vulnerable? To ourselves? Do we call it a “fight,” to perhaps soothe our very own fear of mortality, stroke our egos; ease our pains?

Our health isn’t an absence of illness whether acute or chronic. It’s neither an absence of virus, trauma, tumors, infection or mental affliction. These pieces, either one or/and the other that may visit us one day or already do, are parts of our WHOLE health. Just as poverty and drug addiction are pieces and reflections of a society and its health at large. We don’t need to battle it. We need to understand it from a holistic lens; to view the bigger canvas. We need to treat a human being undergoing surgery, as a whole being, not as parts to a car. Even treatment from a microscopic realm includes vast geography. These parts of me , you, society are not intentionally trying to battle us. So why wage a war?

I ask, “Is there an alternative expression for War?” I don’t know, but I think it’s time to grow out of hostile acts, upon the Other and most importantly, our Selves.

The Salve

Yesterday I felt a grief down in my bones. A feeling, like something is missing. Something that can’t be reached through a screen. Even beauty or God, for that matter. That feeling; it’s more of a salve than a prescription. It’s a connection. My skin resting in a hug. Hand holding hand. It’s checking vitals. Not with a cold device between your heart and mine. Rather vitals as, “what is vital to you dear human?”

It is warm sand again, between my toes. Sharing a gin in a small back room where all mouths are poets’ mouths. It is the company of a healer not just my own healing company. The company of little ones, old ones and even homeless ones. There was this one man in silver rings, wearing black, always. Summer and winter under the scaffolding on Howard Street, our eyes would meet. We would bow our heads in honor. I wonder how he’s doing presently…as he is God too. Also beauty.

That feeling; that salve I so viscerally want to taste. It is Humanness. The sweet and sacred collective. The community. The planet, yours and theirs. May we be brought home soon dear ones, minus the masks we once(and always) wore.

Earth Day

What if for a moment we untether together? See what happens. What arises from this shaky earth? Ashes to ashes. Will we all fall down? Either way it’s okay to stand; okay to fall. If we fall may we lie there for a moment and listen, ear pressed to a floor of dust.

If we stand, may we bow. Bow to the mystery of life and death itself. Bow to our body, the body of another. To the terror of beauty, of pleasure. Terror of our own pain; aloneness, love. Terror of LOVE. Bow to our own tethered mouths and untethered souls. Tethered hands that long to touch again. And again. May we now comb the earth with our fingers. Plant. Seeds that sow anything but back to normal.